Felicia

Ayadenan - Akidenan




That place somewhere there

Where we played Anita the whole day

That parallel universe only me and Shardenis could understand

That place vanished

And I'm not somewhere there anymore

I'm somewhere here

This new place

Where you can see it

Where you can touch it

Where people can enter and understand it

That place somewhere here,

Where I can be that version of me

That version of me people don’t see

The aggression hidden inside the tidiness

The agression hidden behind the cute mask

The aggression because of all the shit

That place somewhere here where pink is equivalent to aggression

Ayadenan ta e kamber patras na papi su kas

E kamber kaminda tur kos a kuminsa

Kaminda nos a pasa piki anita for di riba kaya

E kamber kaminda nos a hiba anita kas di Doei

Paso ayadenan tabata kas di Doei tmb

E kamber kaminda tabata tin un mashin di kose

For di kua tur e lokura aki a kuminsa

E kamber patras kaminda niun hende no ke bishita

Ayadenan kaminda nos a hanja e diario di mi madrina

Ami ta bisa ayadenn pero abo no sa ta na unda

Abo no sa ta kiko

Ayadenan kaminda mi tabta mishi ku un mashin di kose ku niun hende no ke mishi kune

Ayadenan kaminda tur kos por, pero nada no por



Dat ruimte daar, waar je alles kon vinden

Dat ruimte daar, waar ik met mijn zus kon spelen

Dat ruimte daar, waar alles veilig was

Dat ruimte daar, waar alles mogelijk was

Dat ruimte daar, waar niks ons kon schelen

Dat ruimte daar, waar wij een verschil konden maken

Deze ruimte hier, waar ik niet meer alleen ben

Deze ruimte hier, waar ik alles naar buiten kan gooien

Deze ruimte hier waar roze een andere betekenis krijgt



En este espacio aquí donde puedes decidir como jugar

En este espacio acá donde no me tienes que buscar

Porque ya sabes donde estoy

Porque ya me puedes encontrar

Porque en este espacio estoy segura

Y en este espacio no tengo miedo

Porque este es mi espacio

Y este es mi cuarto

Rosado

Rosado

Así como el estomago

Rosado como el celebro

Rosado como tu pene

Rosado como tu pene

Y rosado como mi vagina

Uno se desnuda Y no se enloquece

En este cuarto lleno de tristeza

Y mucha alegria a la vez



Because that place somewhere there

is somewhere here

Somewhere here

Where you can see it

Where you can touch it

Not there in my mind

But here

Somewhere here

Birth

It all started at a bus stop.
I was sitting on a bench and staring at you.
It was a bit cold since the autumn just started.

We were making out on a dark autumn night.
Full of leaves...
How quiet can it be?

The wind was blowing, and the leaves were falling from the trees...

How quiet should it be?
If we just remained like that moment…

Couldn’t we just stay at the bus stop?
Couldn’t we just be romantic?

We rushed back to the bus stop
Because a scooter cock blocked you

Silence…
I stepped in the bus
I left
It was me, the chauffeur, the bus, and silence…

Until I started to cry

But I got pregnant
And no one loved her more than me.

1945

Today I gave light
Yes, I gave light
That’s how we say it in Papiamentu and Spanish

How weird does it sound?
I gave light out of a dirty body
A dirty body because I fornicate

I said no, and I said it again
But he continued
I didn’t even know what he was doing
But it didn’t feel right

And he continued until he screamed,
He stood up, and I felt a liquid dripping out of my body

I covered myself
I wanted to throw up
I couldn’t shake the feeling off

It was my fault
I shouldn’t be out at night
A woman should stay inside
The streets are a danger to women
Danger…

Because a man can take your body as if it was theirs
I stayed because of shame
I stayed with a man that penetrated my innocence
Even though I was not worthy to marry
He continued to do what he did

Until I got pregnant of these undesired penetrations

The fruit was there growing in my belly,

And when she was born, I didn’t want to see her,

She looked just like her dad,

So, I threw her in an orphanage.

Late night

I went to play pool with a colleague
When we got there, no one came
This already sounded shady
And I knew he wanted my body

He drove to a quieter space
We started to make out in the car
And he started to touch my jar
I said not here and not there
But he couldn’t bear
A dark skin like me can’t say no

So, he tried to force himself in me
I said “no” and I hold on to his penis
Like my life depended on it
I said: “I will keep fighting till the morning light”
And I did

When the sun came up,
He gave up and I felt mighty
I thought I won a battle

Maybe I’m not that easy
Maybe I’m not a bitch
Maybe I’m not that girl
And I’m surely not his side dish

I didn’t know that it was sexual assault…

Because I’m dark skin
My body was his
Without asking for it

While her main
The light skin girl,
That one he would never leave,
Was sleeping at home
And I make art to forget

I was sitting there
And my heart started to bounce rapidly
There is no danger
There is no danger
I keep repeating to myself
But I can’t slow my heartbeat
It feels like the danger is everywhere
But nowhere to be found
Meanwhile I’m feeling foggy
Just like the other night
When my boundaries were just like desires to you
Desire to be with you I guess
But I’m sitting there months later
And I can’t feel
My surrounding is not even real anymore
I’m sitting there
Trying to understand
Trying to make sense
I’m trying to make sense of something I can’t change
Already happened
But I’m here and there
Trying to feel trying to cry
My emotions are so deep I can’t even reach them anymore
And I can’t press my heart
Its bouncing and bouncing out of my chest
And I reach my head
Trying to stop the numbness
Trying to feel that I’m here
I’m here and not there
Where you left me
You were happy
I wasn’t
You finished
And I reached the bottom
But it’s my fault
It’s my fault
I shouldn’t be there
I shouldn’t be home
I shouldn’t open the door
I shouldn’t trust you
But your here
And your there
In my head everywhere
I want to go back to Kechenen
Where The voices were loud
I can hear them calling
They are calling my name
But who are they?
They were me
They were us
The two of us, were more
We were more than two
We were almost 40
Maybe more
Maybe less
It was diabolical
A transparent world
Where everything was possible
An unreal reality
Crowded with different voices
Safe by fantasy
Until it wasn’t safe anymore
And I can’t go back
I can’t be safe anymore
There is no escape
Your still here
And your there
In my head everywhere
But I’m here and not there

I can’t be here
I just want to slip away
Away from this context
And just write
Write myself away
Write myself into the abyss
Write myself into nothingness
Until I don’t exist anymore
Because it’s you
And it’s me
Trying to find a way through this
How far can I get?
Away from this art
Because I’m drained
I want to
Write it off
Write it off
Write it off
Write it in
Deep in
Until I don’t feel the pain anymore
The pain deep inside
The struggle to go on
Go on
With life
Acceptance
Acceptance
And to move on
That’s why I don’t enjoy it
I don’t enjoy it anymore
Leave me alone to
Write it off
Write it off
Write it in

No means no

And I don’t have to fight for it
Even if I’m willingly naked

No means no

If I say stop, you must stop
Maybe it’s a trigger that I can’t with right now

Silence is not a yes…

But I will give you my vagina instead

Because the noise is wet
And the noise is wanted

I always wanted you to use your force against me

Somehow, I understand
Somehow, it makes a lot of sense
But somehow, you don’t
Somehow, you don’t get the pain
That one I can’t explain
But you will when I’m gone
Then
Then
But until then
You won’t
It’s there in front of you
But you won’t
And you don’t
You don’t want to
And I can’t be Lili
I can’t be Sharinella
I can’t be Doei
I can’t be Biba
They are far gone
Away from paracosm
Smashed into reality
I don’t understand it
But don’t take it
Don’t take it from me
Don’t take it away from here
I’m there with you and not here

We don’t talk about emotions,

emotions are for weak people.

Curriculum Vitae

Art for freedom in Pietermaai, NAAM Curaçao (National Archaeological Anthropological Memory Management), October 2013

Open atelier IBB, (Instituto Buena Bista), Curaçao March,2015

Monument of Togetherness Tirzo Martha, Museum Beelden Aan Zee, November 2017

Sobfest, Royal Academy of art The Hague, April 2018
Note to Self, Royal Academy of art The Hague, December 2019

Is it sunny outside? Group performance with Italo, Royal Academy of art The Hague, March 2019
All Graduates, Het Hem, March 2021

Sun kissed/ Fog off, Quartair, March 2021

In pending waters, Billy town, May 2021

Open studios Borgerstraat In and Out, Borgerstraat, July 2021

A scenic route to self, Nest, March 2022

Beeldhouwen leraar, Alle Ruimtes, June-July 2022